Unconditional Love: A Parent’s Guide Part Six: Helping Children to Feel Loved

In the previous posts, I have established that we all grow up with barriers to love that can be removed when we tackle our negative beliefs. In this week’s post, I’ll explain give some strategies for helping your children to own their Inherent Worth so that they can receive the love that you offer.
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A child who has a strong belief that he is not good enough, bad, unworthy or any other belief, will find it impossible to let love in. That child will think, consciously or unconsciously “If only you knew how bad, unworthy, unlovable (fill in the blanks) I am, you would not choose to love me. You have to say you love me because you are my parent, but I can’t believe it.” This is the subconscious thinking of any child who has a strong negative belief about themselves. We may not be able to tell what that belief is, so the antidote to all negative beliefs is to own our Inherent Worth. We cannot be Inherently Worthy and unlovable or worthless at the same time. Therefore, it is imperative that parents spend some time helping their children to tune into their Inherent Worth.

Is Inherent Worth the same as self-esteem?
Inherent Worth is absolute, maximal, and unchanging, whereas self-esteem is highly variable and can easily be lost. Self-esteem is generally boosted by achievements and mastery of skills, and lost when difficulties arise or expectations are not met. Inherent Worth never varies. It is this concept of having value no matter what, that has been shown to promote mental wellness wherever it is taught and forms the foundational premise at the Choose Again healing center in Costa Rica where success rates with people with depression, anger issues, relationship issues and a host of other mental health problems is very high. It must therefore be an important factor in preventing the onset of these problems in children.

How can parents help?
Ultimately, it will be the child’s job to own his or her Inherent Worth – this is not something we can do for them. The best help that a parent can give, is to model their own commitment to their Inherent Worth.  There are, however, numerous ways of helping a child to discover and feel his or her Inherent Worth indirectly. Here are five suggestions:

1. Gratitude - Have a gratitude habit – gratitude is a wonderful antidote for negative self-talk. Be specific with your gratitude so that your children will learn to see the world with a sense of wonder.  So, if you develop a bedtime routine in which you share your gratitude with your child and then they say what they are grateful for, start by saying something like “I’m grateful for the way the trees rustle when the breeze blows through them”. That way your child will be encouraged to notice the little beautiful things that often go unnoticed. Almost every book on happiness has a chapter on gratitude and keeping a gratitude journal has been shown to enhance happiness.
2. Respect - Teach by example in the way that you treat everyone else. We all have intrinsic worth, so you must treat everyone with respect. Your children must see this and there must be no exceptions (not telemarketers nor parking attendants). If your child sees that you treat some people with disdain or unfriendliness, they will doubt that everyone has inherent worth and this will open the door for them to doubt their own worth. The simplest way to show respect for a person is with a smile– flash your best grin at everyone you meet today, including the person begging on the street, and see what happens! Smiling has been linked to better health – a terrific bonus!
3. Listen well - Show children that they matter by listening to them with your full attention. Turn off cell phones and other devices when you are having a chat with your child. Look into their eyes and maintain eye contact to let them know you are there fully. Express your confidence in their ability to problem-solve.
4. Meditation and Mindfulness - Encourage mindfulness and meditation. This helps you and your children to focus inwards to find the source of peace and strength and puts you in touch with the part of you that is intrinsically worthy. There are numerous online resources for meditating with children. Meditating yourself will give your children the strong message that you care about yourself and will set a good example. 
5. Look at your child as if for the first time. When you look at your child with love, recognizing who they truly are beyond their behavior, you’ll be helping them to feel their Inherent Worth. By knowing the truth of them you are ‘holding the space’ for them to move into as they grow and develop. 

 
When our children have a sense of their Inherent Worth, they will be resilient and able to receive love because their barriers to it will be reduced. There’s a list of ten ways to help children realize their Inherent Worth that you can download on my website www.anneandrew.com. 
Our children grow up as depleted versions of themselves. We ALL do. We attempt to establish our worth externally instead of knowing that our True worth is inherent. The result for far too many is addiction, bullying, depression, or eating disorders. There have been too many needless suicides, too many trapped in addictions or dealing with mental health disorders.  That is why I encourage parents to recognize and own their Inherent Worth, so that they can love their children unconditionally and thereby help them to grow up mentally-healthy, owning their Inherent Worth - free to give and most importantly, to receive love. 

Did this blog series give you any insights into your family dynamics? Did you find it helpful?
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Please let me know by leaving a message for me in the comment space below. Thank you!