Raising Bully-Proof Children - By Anne Andrew

​What if we really could raise children to be bully-proof – neither bullies nor victims? It must be worth a try.
What if we’ve got the bully / victim story completely wrong? This blog presents a radically different solution.
 
In this blog, I’ll explain the root causes of bullying and why punishing the bully and commiserating with the victims actually makes matters worse. I’ll show what both bullies and victims gain from their experience, and suggests five strategies for parents and teachers that will help raise children who are less likely to be bullies and unlikely to be picked on as victims.

​The root causes of bullying
 
In early childhood, children develop negative beliefs about themselves that are not true. These subconscious beliefs get started when a child first experiences emotions that are other than joy or love. In order to explain these uneasy feelings, children make up beliefs about themselves that are not true. These beliefs then feed their self-talk and demand evidence of their veracity, thus driving behaviours that substantiate them.
 
A child who believes he is bad and deserves to be punished will behave in ways that will bring punishment to prove he is bad. A child who believes he is weak will act in ways that will prove it – by adopting a slouching stance, averting his eyes and giving out a ‘weak’ vibe, which bullies easily tune into. When the victim is bullied, his or her ‘weak and powerless’ belief is confirmed.
 
Bullies need victims in order to be bullies and victims need bullies to be victims! Here’s how the bully and victim belief cycles interact:

Bully cycle

Victim cycle

Ironically, bullies have the same underlying belief as victims – that they are weak and powerless. At an earlier stage, the bully must have been victimized in order for victimizing another to be possible. It is power (a mistaken form of self-worth) that the bully needs to establish by his behaviour. 
 
Current anti-bullying programs focus on the symptoms of bullying rather than the causes and so they cannot work. Unless the underlying negative beliefs are tackled, the behaviour of the victim and the bully will continue.
 
What’s in it for the bully?
The reward for bullying behaviour for the bully is:

• A feeling of power (temporarily)
• Evidence that he or she is indeed bad, guilty
• To cover up the underlying belief that he or she is weak and powerless
• The punishment that he or she believes they deserve and is seeking
• A feeling of love from the stooges that admire the strength of the bully and want to hang around with him or her.

 
What’s in it for the victim?
You may think that no one wants to be a victim and you would be right – no one makes a conscious choice to be bullied. There is, however, a payoff subconsciously for many victims. The victim:     

• Gets to be right about the underlying belief that he or she is weak and powerless
• Gets to blame the bully for his or her shortcomings
• Feels loved when parents or teachers commiserate with them (briefly)
• Gets to tell their victim story and take on a victim identity 

 
The truth is that we are all victims until we choose to challenge that idea. We’ve all made up that we are weak and powerless based on our experiences in childhood. So, it is easy to see that all of us have the potential to be both a victim and a bully, and at different times in our lives we are likely to be both. 
 
Bullying behaviour needs to be recognized for what it is – a cry for love. A cry for love needs to be answered with love, so we need to offer compassion to bullies rather than punishment. Yes, their behaviour must change. If they are violent they will need to be kept apart, but the underlying negative beliefs need to be dealt with if the cause of the behaviour is to be addressed. Behaviour modification won’t work in the long run.
 
Alarm bells may be ringing for you and you may be getting angry at the notion that we are excusing the bully and blaming the victim. Actually, we are getting rid of all blame. Neither the bully nor the victim is to blame. Neither has any choice in the matter as long as there are negative beliefs running the show. 
 
The solution is for the bully and the victim to heal together. Both need to heal the belief that they could be weak and powerless. The truth of them both is that they have Inherent Worth by virtue of simply being. No one is more or less powerful than anyone else – we all come into the world the same way and we can’t take anything with us when we leave. Children who truly understand their Inherent Worth will be neither bullies nor victims.
 
Imagine a scenario in which a bully takes the lunch money of a victim. The fix is for both children meet with the Principal who then reminds them both that they are Inherently Worthy. Any problem that has been caused by the incident is then a problem to be solved when the emotion has been taken out of it. This seems far-fetched at present, but if the bullying epidemic is to subside, it is one that needs some serious consideration.
 
How can we raise bully-proof children?
Here are five strategies for helping children to realize their Inherent Worth – the antidote to all of the negative beliefs that are picked up in early childhood:

1. Parents and teachers need to model respect (unconditional) for all people. If we are teaching that every person has Inherent Worth, we have to show that we mean it. Unfortunately, some parents are bullies as are some teachers. Working with your own negative beliefs by using the Choose Again Six-Step Process or any other way to heal beliefs will be necessary before you can effectively help your children.
2. Remind your children that their worth is not established by force nor by any other external means, but is intrinsic and maximal. It doesn’t change no matter what happens to them, what they do or don’t do. This will need reinforcing as they grow up in as many different ways as possible. Always challenge the negative things that children say about themselves. Is it true? No, it never is.
3. Don’t give hidden messages to children. When you worry about a ‘victim’ you inadvertently give them the message that they are not safe, weak and powerless, which confirms their status as a victim. A child who has been bullied will need to be reminded that it said nothing about them that they were picked on – their worth is the same as ever. Obviously, there are some situations in which the victim is at risk physically and there needs to be some intervention. However, the main idea – that the victim has Inherent Worth (and so does the bully) needs to be put across. 
4. Gratitude practice. Instituting a family gratitude practice is possibly the most effective strategy for raising bully-proof kids. Thinking of all the things that we have to be grateful for has been shown to increase happiness and sense of worth. Having and maintaining a sense of wonder at the world goes a long way to helping children be kind and not mean. We feel our inherent worth when we are expressing gratitude. Being grateful is antithetical to being mean or needing to take something from someone else.
5. Meditation and mindfulness practices help children to feel their Inherent Worth. These practices, built up over time, help them to focus on the present moment, giving them relief from anxiety, worries and other feelings that promote ‘victim’ thinking. It also helps them to understand that thoughts are meaningless and can be controlled – thoughts are not in control of us unless we let them be. There are numerous mindfulness and meditation practices that can be found on line for children of all ages.

 
Healing negative beliefs that we are weak and powerless and adopting the sure knowledge that we are Inherently Worthy along with every other person on this earth will result in a kinder society. We can’t afford to ignore this approach at a time when politicians in many parts of the world are modelling bullying behaviour and our children are watching.

​By Anne Andrew

Do you have an example of how the Choose Again Six-Step Process has helped you to feel differently about a situation in which you were bullied in some way, or were a bully? We’d love to hear it!
​Please use the comment box below.