Is Competition Bad for Children?

The answer is: It depends! There is nothing intrinsically wrong with competition—it can be fun to compete. The problem comes when a child equates her worth with the outcome of the competition. I’m worthy if I win. I’m worth less if I lose. A child who knows his Inherent Worth (IW) will be OK no matter what the outcome of the competition—his worth is not at stake. Competition will be fun for the competitors when they are secure in their awareness of their IW. Avoid competitions until you are sure of that. If you can’t avoid it here are a few tips:

• Ask yourself and your child, “What is this competition for?” A healthy answer would be, “For the joy of it,” or “As a learning experience or new adventure.” If the answer is, “To prove I’m the best,” then challenge the need to do so. Initiate a discussion about it being possible to enjoy and gain from the race, game, spelling bee, speaking contest, pageant, or audition, even if the outcome is not a win.

• Ask yourself if you are more interested in the competition than your child. If the honest answer is “Yes,” then process your own feelings around competitions. Did you fail to win an important competition? How did that feel? Was winning more important than playing the game in your family? Were you under constant pressure to achieve?

 

• Discover the underlying negative belief that is fuelling your interest in having your child competing. Ask yourself what you made it mean about you as a child that you didn’t win or that you had to win to establish your worth or to get love or attention. Perhaps you used it as evidence that you were not good enough, incapable, worth less, or inadequate. You may inadvertently be hoping that your own losses will be vindicated by your child’s success or that your child will establish your worth for you. 

 

• Ask the child after the competition, “Did you have fun?” and “How are you feeling?” Check in with your child a day later and a week later to check on any lingering feelings of inadequacy or guilt. Reassure them that their worth is not established by winning a competition, but just isno matter what. 
• Be aware that winning a competition can come with a side order of guilt: 
  • Did I deserve to win? 
  • Will anyone find out that I cheated? 
  • I don’t think I was the best—my classmate deserved the trophy. 
  • Now I have to keep on winning or I’ll let everyone down.

Find out if any of these thoughts are going through your child’s head or your own and challenge them.
Teachers and coaches may more interested in the outcome of competitions than the children they are coaching. They may have negative beliefs that are driving them to live vicariously through their students. I’ve witnessed appallingly petty behavior of school principals over speaking contest results when they felt their school’s reputations were at stake. 
Similarly, other parents may be too competitive. We’ve all seen clips of over-zealous parents yelling at the five-year-old soccer players on the other team! Make sure they know your feelings about competitions and decide if this is an environment you want your child to participate in. Express your commitment to your child having fun, being a good sport, and not being concerned about the outcome then set about making sure that your child knows who she is—an Inherently Worthy being.
Imagine if sports heroes were all playing for the fun of the game how much joy could be shared with the world!
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Was this post helpful? How has competition or competitiveness impacted your life? I’d love to hear from you!
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