God? Self?

“And out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history—money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery—the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.” C.S.Lewis

To put it another way: it is the relentless looking outside my ‘Self’ for peace and joy. Why is that habit so tenacious? Could it be that I am pathetically addicted to the feelings associated with the belief that I have done something so terrible, that ‘Self’ or ‘God’ has long ago abandoned me for unspeakable deeds of which I am not even aware? Enough already. So I took a bite of that apple. Get over it. My innocence is unchangeable. It is time to stop feeding my addiction to guilt feelings.
Love, Diederik